Land Rover want you to get out, out in the wilderness
Jaguar Land Rover have decided to focus on technology, and some of the latest are straight from the future.
1. First on the list has to be the remote control of the vehicle from a smart phone. First-release pictures featured Range Rovers with mud, cliffs, boulders and mud (as well as HSE-adherent hi-vis-vestage).
Speed bumps in Slough have become the Range Rover Sport’s natural enemy.
The immediate feedback must have been quick and connected as the follow-up pictures featured soft-roader Evoques and parking spaces, which let’s face it is the natural habitat of all but the most sheep-smelling of Defenders.
One can only hope that the technology is more secure than the door locks which, in their chocolate-fireguard-like efficiency have inspired a recall of over 60,000 cars…
Londoners! Beware! There are holes in your roads!
2. Holed Everything!
Crikey DM, it’s a pot-hole, says your car. Fantastic; warning relayed, you ease off the loud pedal for a while to make avoidance easier. A great idea.
Except for the reality of Britain’s roads, especially the urban thoroughfare. If you go down to those woods today, you’re in for a freekin’ shock. London has T-Rex treadmarks in the tarmac deep and wide enough to ruin your day when they trash your sick rims [sic].
If you slow down for every pot-hole, you’ll be overtaken by the rose-sellers, windscreen-smudgers and cyclists you burnt off at the last traffic lights.
Land Rover are making things harder, including your throttle
3. Sole Music.
Jaguar Land Rover are moving with the times, and paying more attention to feedback. Not the noisy nonsense which signals a microphone-speaker interface situation (or an OAP having a good old rub of their earpiece) but the ‘haptic’ feedback which involves the car telling you what to do. Granted we’ve all had cars with quirks (who didn’t enjoy the 1980s Ford keys made of pewter or Citroen’s take on the hydraulic suspension as nausea simulator) but this one takes the biscuit.
The faster you go, the harder the throttle pedal gets, forcing you to press harder to achieve ever-greater speeds. And that’s exactly what will happen as a new generation of Playstationeers invert the formula and try to figure out how to measure the highest resistance figure achievable in a 30 zone.
One can only imagine how a jerky stop-start cobbled road will affect those susceptible to a bit of vibration from below. How will Sally Traffic report the extremely slow-moving herds of Discovery Sports migrating through York’s old town?. Tremble tourism, anyone? A prize to the first collator of Britain’s Top Ten Titilation Trips; Cobbles Vs Cause-ways Vs Cattle Grids.
HAL: Look Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. I think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.
4. How are you doing?
Your car is now about to give you a check-up. Please ensure that all tray tables are in the upright position and that your footrests are suitably adjusted. The modern Jaguar Land Rover takes care of its driver, monitoring heart beat and respiration rate to assess your suitability to drive. All you have to do is sit back and relax.
We should warn you that you may feel a bit of a prick.
At McDonald Automotive, we work on real cars, you know, the ones you need to drive and drive haaard, maaan.
If you need parts or advice for one of them, give us a call or take a look at our website www.mcdonald4x4.co.uk
But not if you’re driving a KITT car…
This article was written by Rupert Astbury.